Why can feedback stir up so many emotions? On the surface, most of us are interested in growth, yet even the most gently-delivered, growth-oriented criticism can trigger a fight/flight/freeze response.
The first step to managing your response is to pause. Listen to your thoughts and feelings – what are they trying to say?
Then, try one of these strategies to get into a more open and productive mindset.
Emotions provide data that helps you build awareness of yourself and others–offering deeper insight and guiding us toward behaviors or thought patterns to reconsider. Allow yourself to remove the association of good or bad to emotions–nothing is inherently negative or positive because perception is fluid and subjective.
Suppressing emotions creates mental and physical stress in the body with the potential to cause illness or chronic health conditions. There is a direct link between the gut, heart, and brain through the vagus nerve, the longest nerve in the human body.
Big emotions and stress can show up in your body in many ways, often in clenched fists, jaw, or other muscles. Consciously notice where that tension resides and use your breathing to relax that area. A few deep breaths, focusing on elongated exhales, can go a long way.
Recently, a manager told me about an employee who seemed to respond to her feedback more defensively than to feedback from male managers. This is common, even when it’s female employees receiving feedback from female managers.
Ask yourself:
Learn more about disrupting bias in our blog, Unveiling the Invisible: Why We Must Disrupt Biases in Ourselves and Our Organizations
In the previous example, the manager may never know if the employee’s response was rooted in gender bias. Similarly, employees with nondominant identities may question whether feedback is objective or based on a biased expectation. While there are no sure-thing tests to determine whether bias is at play, there are questions you can ask:
If you suspect that you are receiving biased feedback, you have options.
In the same way that exercising to strengthen your body can make you feel weak in the moment, accepting constructive criticism can feel like admitting failure; in reality, accepting and learning how you can improve makes you stronger.
With that, you still have the ability to discern how the feedback can actually help you. Ask yourself:
When you take pride in your work and feel deeply connected to the mission of your organization, it can feel like feedback on your work equates to feedback on you as a person.
Even when you make a mistake, make the wrong call, or even cause unintended harm to others, you can grow and make different choices in the future. No one can take away your inherent dignity as a human being.
If you start to internalize feedback on your work as feedback on your self, you can try these prompts:
Building resilience in the face of feedback is an ongoing journey, not a one-time achievement. By pausing to reflect, checking for bias—both your own and others’—and embracing the discomfort that comes with growth, you can transform feedback from a source of stress into a powerful tool for personal and professional development. With practice and self-awareness, you can meet feedback with curiosity and confidence, using it to fuel your growth and strengthen your resilience.
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